I need to get my shit together. I’ve never let myself fall this deep into apathy or dread or just plain EVIL like this before. Sure, when you’re desperate, you do what you need to do to survive. When you kill a man to protect yourself from retribution, that’s justified to an extent. Stopping someone from trying to shiv you for father’s book? Yes, that desperate mongrel had to be put down. But, the gnome from earlier today? That was… something else. It wasn’t even the order to “take care of it” that tripped me up. I just saw a person try to murder someone for no other reason than to rig a fight. I let a darkness in the back of my mind take hold and it clouded my judgement. It didn’t even hit me until I saw the deranged rogue start to do his sadistic healing ritual before I realized I squandered an opportunity to question the creature and find out what it was planning. A wave of shame and horror washed over me, but I couldn’t let the others see. I have to stay strong and determined and not show any weakness down here. That will get you killed.
I was barely listening when we were given to assignment to find the missing children. But when I heard the chance for redemption, I filed it away in my mind. Balance the good and the bad. Try to do something to make this place better. Be better than the monsters who put you here. The trip through the marketplace and the questioning of the meat vendor are still a little fuzzy to me as I didn’t feel like I was actually moving my own body. Dealing with vendors and merchants asking for coin I wouldn’t had dreamed of having weeks ago was surreal. I felt like I was going through the motions. The only time when I felt like I was truly in control is when I was swinging my mace at the undead monster. The moment he had me by the neck, it all slammed back into place for me. I could’ve died right then. I needed to get my mind back in order.
The further into the sewers we delved, the more I realized how much I didn’t know. Why was this pipe so cleanly made? Why does this lake look like a skull? What about this place is cursed? So many things didn’t make sense, but I had to just keep alert and aware and make mental notes of what we encountered. In my leisure time reading the books in father’s study, I remember an account of an adventurer who warned of the perils of “Dungeon Delving” and how there are cursed magical items in the world, but I was too distracted by seeing nicely made boots and weapons and other rarities that I had COMPLETELY forgot myself. Nothing helps you learn like making a mistake. Unfortunately, this mistake might get us killed. I will need to be more cautious in the future.
On a brighter note, being around other practitioners of magic has also rekindled my drive to continue my own arcane journey. Little did I know that watching and observing them cast and manipulate the weave would help me finally make the connection in my own mind and snap everything into place. Survival and secrecy had been my focus until now and the book was too valuable to take out unless I needed to. Luckily, I’ve been able to read through its pages when I was alone in our rooms the last few days. But now, sitting there in the dark tunnels of the sewers while my companions slept, I tried a spell I hadn’t tried since I was in class several months ago. A spectral version of my hand appeared in front of me, making a fist. I can’t remember the last time I smiled, but I was smiling now. During my watch, I continued to read the spells I could recall hearing about in class and I could finally see it all so clear in my mind. I was doing it. I was becoming the wizard I was meant to be.